Apparently I am one of those people. Productive member of society. I dont want to be! I still want to grieve and do nothing else. My schooling is past the point last semester where I had to withdrawl. I needed to actually spend time learning the new material instead of reviewing. My grades subsequently have went up because of this. I have found it easier to do work and not just walk through the aisles feeling sorry for myself. I have started my garden that I always wanted to. Sure its just potted plants but I spent two days on it and its nice. I also fixed up the deck with another chair and a table. I can now sit out here under the protective umbrella of citronella and watch the day go by. The sound of the road is in the background and continuous but I hear nothing of the neighbors, nor can I see them. I cut down four small pine trees that blocked the sun from coming through shining on the deck on the evening hours. They also felt too intrusive as they hung over. But I have no houses around me in the back and woods are all I see. I actually have some privacy! It is peaceful and I have sat out here many days this week just relaxing, listening to music, and thinking about my son. I have been so busy lately that I have not even wanted to write.
I dont know why, I still think about him constantly. I just have not felt the need to blog or journal. Partly because there is not one singular thing weighing heavy on my mind. I have been so scatterbrained and busy bodied that thoughts come and go. Maybe my brain is processing my grief differently, or something is wrong and I have not figured it out yet. Sure the big thing that is wrong is my son is dead and his six month birthday is coming up and all I can think about is how I should have a six month old at home but that cant warrant not wanting to write.
For now I will continue to do work on the house, work on the deck and garden, and work for school and see what will come of it. I will be one of these fabled members of society everyone thinks I should be. Too bad I only want to be Marcellus's daddy.
Friday, April 20, 2012
Friday, April 6, 2012
Breakdown
So I am trying to decide if this was really a good thing. I had a miserable night last night, I cried and cried because it hurt just as bad as after we lost him. This gut wrenching pain twisting a knot in my chest cutting off air as streams of tears fell from my eyes and the inevitable stinging snot poured from my nose. I missed him, I missed him so sharply that it consumed me. The dog and the wife cuddled with me and we all cried (Perk misses him too.) But why did I break down like that?
Yesterday I met up with a friend. I had not seen him alone in a while, in fact the last time I saw him alone I brought him into the NICU and showed him Marcellus. He gave the most awe inspiring reaction to him and he could not have been happier for me. I felt so proud as a daddy to show off my son to one of my close friends. You could tell he fell in love with him the moment he saw him, as most people did. We talked for a little bit and then we left the NICU to go back to the hospital room. He turned me around and gave me a big hug and told me how happy he was for me. And I was happy, I was happy that I finally made it as a father and my life felt complete. That was the last time I had hung out with him alone. So yesterday I brought him to the tree, I showed off his honor tree instead of him. We walked around some parks and chatted for a couple hours. We talked a lot about grief and Marcellus along with other non-dead baby things. It was a really good time for me because I was able to get out and spend time alone with a friend in the outside world. Just one more big step in grief that we are taking together.
But after our support group meeting it hit me, I wish I could have had him over and showing him off again while my wife was on campus getting some work done. As we get more and more able to step outside of these comforting walls I start to feel remorseful that I am able to do these things. I should not be able to go for a walk with a friend in a park, I should be busy with a baby, a 5 month old!
Last night we also wanted to see how long it took to get him out during the c-section so we tore apart my wifes records. Well in doing that we inevitably moved on to his records and she kept asking me questions of 'what does this mean' etc. since I had the computer and some knowledge of medical terms. She then asked me what does pneumatosis mean. I did not know so I looked it up on wikipedia. It means that there are bubbles of air trapped outside the intestine. And it is specifically associated with NEC which happens only to preemies. The wikipedia article also showed an x ray picture as a visual aid. The same type of x ray that the doctor showed me the morning of his death. He pointed out the bubbles and said that the black areas are free air, not good. At that time the doctor knew he was a goner, and rationally I knew too. He was not showing me the x rays because he wanted to inform me of the situation so I could make an educated decision, he was showing why he was going to die. Mommy and Daddy held onto hope still at that time but we both knew in our minds he was leaving us that day, we just wanted more time. Seeing that picture reminded me of that moment, and was the straw which caused this cascade of tears to flow.
But I needed it, I had not been crying over him the last couple days and feeling oddly normal and adventurous. These events happened today to bring me back to my real world, the world where he is 1200 miles away in a white box signed by friends and family. And I am here wading through a sea of sadness and grief just trying to find any sort of ladder to pull me out. I miss my son, I miss him more than I could ever describe. I will never be done grieving him.
Yesterday I met up with a friend. I had not seen him alone in a while, in fact the last time I saw him alone I brought him into the NICU and showed him Marcellus. He gave the most awe inspiring reaction to him and he could not have been happier for me. I felt so proud as a daddy to show off my son to one of my close friends. You could tell he fell in love with him the moment he saw him, as most people did. We talked for a little bit and then we left the NICU to go back to the hospital room. He turned me around and gave me a big hug and told me how happy he was for me. And I was happy, I was happy that I finally made it as a father and my life felt complete. That was the last time I had hung out with him alone. So yesterday I brought him to the tree, I showed off his honor tree instead of him. We walked around some parks and chatted for a couple hours. We talked a lot about grief and Marcellus along with other non-dead baby things. It was a really good time for me because I was able to get out and spend time alone with a friend in the outside world. Just one more big step in grief that we are taking together.
But after our support group meeting it hit me, I wish I could have had him over and showing him off again while my wife was on campus getting some work done. As we get more and more able to step outside of these comforting walls I start to feel remorseful that I am able to do these things. I should not be able to go for a walk with a friend in a park, I should be busy with a baby, a 5 month old!
Last night we also wanted to see how long it took to get him out during the c-section so we tore apart my wifes records. Well in doing that we inevitably moved on to his records and she kept asking me questions of 'what does this mean' etc. since I had the computer and some knowledge of medical terms. She then asked me what does pneumatosis mean. I did not know so I looked it up on wikipedia. It means that there are bubbles of air trapped outside the intestine. And it is specifically associated with NEC which happens only to preemies. The wikipedia article also showed an x ray picture as a visual aid. The same type of x ray that the doctor showed me the morning of his death. He pointed out the bubbles and said that the black areas are free air, not good. At that time the doctor knew he was a goner, and rationally I knew too. He was not showing me the x rays because he wanted to inform me of the situation so I could make an educated decision, he was showing why he was going to die. Mommy and Daddy held onto hope still at that time but we both knew in our minds he was leaving us that day, we just wanted more time. Seeing that picture reminded me of that moment, and was the straw which caused this cascade of tears to flow.
But I needed it, I had not been crying over him the last couple days and feeling oddly normal and adventurous. These events happened today to bring me back to my real world, the world where he is 1200 miles away in a white box signed by friends and family. And I am here wading through a sea of sadness and grief just trying to find any sort of ladder to pull me out. I miss my son, I miss him more than I could ever describe. I will never be done grieving him.
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