Productive member of society

Apparently I am one of those people.  Productive member of society. I dont want to be!  I still want to grieve and do nothing else.  My schooling is past the point last semester where I had to withdrawl.  I needed to actually spend time learning the new material instead of reviewing.  My grades subsequently have went up because of this.  I have found it easier to do work and not just walk through the aisles feeling sorry for myself.  I have started my garden that I always wanted to.  Sure its just potted plants but I spent two days on it and its nice.  I also fixed up the deck with another chair and a table.  I can now sit out here under the protective umbrella of citronella and watch the day go by.  The sound of the road is in the background and continuous but I hear nothing of the neighbors, nor can I see them.  I cut down four small pine trees that blocked the sun from coming through shining on the deck on the evening hours.  They also felt too intrusive as they hung over.  But I have no houses around me in the back and woods are all I see.  I actually have some privacy!  It is peaceful and I have sat out here many days this week just relaxing, listening to music, and thinking about my son.  I have been so busy lately that I have not even wanted to write.

I dont know why, I still think about him constantly.  I just have not felt the need to blog or journal.  Partly because there is not one singular thing weighing heavy on my mind.  I have been so scatterbrained and busy bodied that thoughts come and go.  Maybe my brain is processing my grief differently, or something is wrong and I have not figured it out yet.  Sure the big thing that is wrong is my son is dead and his six month birthday is coming up and all I can think about is how I should have a six month old at home but that cant warrant not wanting to write.

For now I will continue to do work on the house, work on the deck and garden, and work for school and see what will come of it.  I will be one of these fabled members of society everyone thinks I should be.  Too bad I only want to be Marcellus's daddy.