9 Months, really!

I wanted to take a look back at what my life has become living in grief.  Marcellus's 9 month anniversary of his death (or passing depending on who I am talking to) just came to pass yesterday.  The week leading up to it was hard on me.  I have had multiple days where I felt despair and general sadness infiltrate my entire life.  I suffered from lack of motivation, moments of pure sadness, and at points just stared into the distance disconnected from everything around me.  This was all leading up to yesterday, his 9 month.  Some arbitrary anniversary I have deemed as a milestone.  In reality it was just another day.  But I chose to treat it as the milestone it is.  I have learned that it helps to do something meaningful for someone on these anniversaries.  So I gave blood again.  Just like his 3 month and his 6 month.  And I will again on his one year.  I got real nervous and did not want to go but I did.  Because really, I stayed when he died, I have faced the most terrible and horrible thing a person can face and that is their childs death.  I can handle a blood donation.  But I could not handle his time of death, it still gets me after nine months.  I took a nap so I would not be awake for it.   I just did not want to see 12:43 pm pass on the 9th of the month pass this time.  The anniversary continued with my wife and I spending time together finding bears to send to a friend so she can donate to Molly Bears.  We were able to go shopping (and get ice cream) on his anniversary of his passing.  8 months ago we barely got out of bed.  We have come a long way. 

And that is what living with grief is like, a realization that you are living and making it, even though it is so damn hard everyday you are doing it.   There are good days mixed in here, a lot more 'meh' or mediocre days than actual good days but they exist.  But the bad days never leave, and sometimes the bad days turn into a bad week.  And you ride it through and say 'well that sucked' but you are able to ride them out, which is a miracle in its own way.  Just like grief will deliver me countless bad days for the rest of my life, its just the nature of the condition, it will allow me to enjoy the good days as well. 

One major reason why I can enjoy a good day is seeing my wife smile, and hearing her laughter.  It is so wonderful to see her when she is happy.  It lifts me up so much more than she knows.  I know its a conditional happiness, there is pain behind the smile but she lets her happiness through instead of quelling it like we have done for so long these past months.  I just hope one day I can see the smile I saw when she was with Marcellus.