Last night my wife asked me why I do not blog as much lately, I do not know why. Maybe I am sick of it, maybe I am sick of this grief. 6 months ago I lost Marcellus and now I have to find my new normal. A lot has changed for me in the past couple of weeks, we did March for Babies. Our team won second for money raised and won best t shirt. It was an incredibly humbling experience and awe inspiring to have so much support for my little buddy. Last week I completed my semester, the semester which I started last fall and had to stop six months ago after he died. In a way I did not want this semester to end, it was my connection to him. He helped me study for Anatomy and I did not want to stop doing that. But I have to move forward, to 'move on' as others who have no idea what its like to lose a child say to you. We are now getting ready to go back home in a couple weeks for his headstone.
Which brings me to what is home now? If Marcellus is our son and your family makes your home then what do you do in our case. Before Marcellus it was just my wife and I. This was our home, where we were. And that was only cemented when we found out about him, I really started to consider NC our home. We were going to bring a child into the world. Two northerners from Minnesota were going to have a Carolina baby. When he died and our family shattered we buried him in Minnesota because we did not know where we would be in 10 years. The thought of moving him makes me cringe, I never want to. But now my child's soul is in heaven and his body is in Minnesota. His parents are left heartbroken in NC, where do we call home? Is it when we go back to the grave and see his spot? Do we call that little chunk of land home? Or can we still call NC home, maybe the hospital was our only true home. I do not know. I hate this all, it makes me sick.
I have to go to work today. I never planned on it, I swear I requested the day off and they are suppose to let me know if I did not get it off. But I have to go to work and leave Mommy by herself for the evening. I do not know how I will do it, hopefully I make it through. And if I cannot, I will leave. I hate it there anyways, everything seems so far away. My son, my family, the fact that I am a father. I just feel like a worthless plebeian there. No one is going to know that it is exactly 6 months ago that I lost him, and if I tell people I will look like I am rubbing it in their faces demanding sympathy.
I demand nothing, because I could not demand Marcellus to stay with us, he left because his body could not sustain his soul. I could feel him trying to stay with us, he wanted to so badly. But he could not, and we have to live with that for the rest of our lives... you've got to be kidding me.
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