I thought I was doing ok.  I got my grades back from last semester and they were all A's.  It is the only time in my life I have ever gotten straight A's and the only time that I have a 4.0 gpa going.  I also am going to be getting ready to go home here soon to see Marcellus's headstone put in.  I am not too upset by that because I feel like we owe it to him to have a permanent marking of his spot.  I also have been losing weight and found a passion for running when there is little passion left in my life.  I thought things were going well until I have been hit with some curveballs that have added up. 
First, I signed up for a CNA test and the date is the day after we leave.  Not a huge deal but 101 dollars down the drain.  Why they do not let you pick your date is silly.  I then got my financial aid suspended because since I withdrew my fall semester my completion rate is below the mandatory 67%.  I just had to send in my appeal accompanied with the death certificate to say "I had to withdraw from the fall because my 12 day old son died."  A couple that I know that lost their baby in January 2011 after over five months of battling for his life just had their rainbow baby.   A beautiful little girl who they just brought home from the NICU.  Seeing them bring such a small, healthy little baby home reminded me that Marcellus probably could have came home earlier than they told us if he would have done well.  I am happy for them however, the pain they have endured escapes me.  How one can put their life back together after that is amazing.  And now my brother and wife are pregnant again.  They had an early miscarriage but got pregnant again right away.  He told me the news and told me that he got to call mom on Mothers Day with the news to let her know she will be a grandma again.  I sent my mom a card telling her that I appreciated her.  She got a call from my brother that she might have a grandchild that wants to stay longer than a couple weeks gestation or 12 days after he/she is born.  My brother and sister-in-law are older, and I know that they want to be good parents to more kids than just their little lime they lost recently.   But I cannot help think that it should be us too, we should be given the chance to raise a child here, in our home, like my friend.  I just want that chance. 

I can do things for my son, like put in a headstone, brew a beer, read him stories, give blood, March for Babies, etc...  but I can never do things WITH my son.  I want to do things with my children, to raise them, to shape them, to help them become good, loving people.  I want to accept them for who they are, I want to pick them up when they scrape their knee or when they become heartbroken.  I want to be the person they look up to.  I want to be there for a long time when they grow older.  I want to hold my wifes hand on a Mothers Day far off in the future as we are surrounded by our children and grandchildren and know that Marcellus shaped this family for what it is.  I just want that chance. 

Six months, still no home

Last night my wife asked me why I do not blog as much lately, I do not know why.  Maybe I am sick of it, maybe I am sick of this grief.  6 months ago I lost Marcellus and now I have to find my new normal.  A lot has changed for me in the past couple of weeks, we did March for Babies.  Our team won second for money raised and won best t shirt.  It was an incredibly humbling experience and awe inspiring to have so much support for my little buddy.  Last week I completed my semester, the semester which I started last fall and had to stop six months ago after he died.  In a way I did not want this semester to end, it was my connection to him.  He helped me study for Anatomy and I did not want to stop doing that.  But I have to move forward, to 'move on' as others who have no idea what its like to lose a child say to you.  We are now getting ready to go back home in a couple weeks for his headstone. 

Which brings me to what is home now?  If Marcellus is our son and your family makes your home then what do you do in our case.  Before Marcellus it was just my wife and I.  This was our home, where we were.  And that was only cemented when we found out about him, I really started to consider NC our home.  We were going to bring a child into the world.  Two northerners from Minnesota were going to have a Carolina baby.  When he died and our family shattered we buried him in Minnesota because we did not know where we would be in 10 years.  The thought of moving him makes me cringe, I never want to.  But now my child's soul is in heaven and his body is in Minnesota.  His parents are left heartbroken in NC, where do we call home?  Is it when we go back to the grave and see his spot?  Do we call that little chunk of land home?  Or can we still call NC home, maybe the hospital was our only true home.  I do not know.  I hate this all, it makes me sick. 

I have to go to work today.  I never planned on it, I swear I requested the day off and they are suppose to let me know if I did not get it off.  But I have to go to work and leave Mommy by herself for the evening.  I do not know how I will do it, hopefully I make it through.  And if I cannot, I will leave.  I hate it there anyways, everything seems so far away.  My son, my family, the fact that I am a father.  I just feel like a worthless plebeian there.  No one is going to know that it is exactly 6 months ago that I lost him, and if I tell people I will look like I am rubbing it in their faces demanding sympathy.

I demand nothing, because I could not demand Marcellus to stay with us, he left because his body could not sustain his soul.  I could feel him trying to stay with us, he wanted to so badly.  But he could not, and we have to live with that for the rest of our lives... you've got to be kidding me.