I thought I was doing ok.  I got my grades back from last semester and they were all A's.  It is the only time in my life I have ever gotten straight A's and the only time that I have a 4.0 gpa going.  I also am going to be getting ready to go home here soon to see Marcellus's headstone put in.  I am not too upset by that because I feel like we owe it to him to have a permanent marking of his spot.  I also have been losing weight and found a passion for running when there is little passion left in my life.  I thought things were going well until I have been hit with some curveballs that have added up. 
First, I signed up for a CNA test and the date is the day after we leave.  Not a huge deal but 101 dollars down the drain.  Why they do not let you pick your date is silly.  I then got my financial aid suspended because since I withdrew my fall semester my completion rate is below the mandatory 67%.  I just had to send in my appeal accompanied with the death certificate to say "I had to withdraw from the fall because my 12 day old son died."  A couple that I know that lost their baby in January 2011 after over five months of battling for his life just had their rainbow baby.   A beautiful little girl who they just brought home from the NICU.  Seeing them bring such a small, healthy little baby home reminded me that Marcellus probably could have came home earlier than they told us if he would have done well.  I am happy for them however, the pain they have endured escapes me.  How one can put their life back together after that is amazing.  And now my brother and wife are pregnant again.  They had an early miscarriage but got pregnant again right away.  He told me the news and told me that he got to call mom on Mothers Day with the news to let her know she will be a grandma again.  I sent my mom a card telling her that I appreciated her.  She got a call from my brother that she might have a grandchild that wants to stay longer than a couple weeks gestation or 12 days after he/she is born.  My brother and sister-in-law are older, and I know that they want to be good parents to more kids than just their little lime they lost recently.   But I cannot help think that it should be us too, we should be given the chance to raise a child here, in our home, like my friend.  I just want that chance. 

I can do things for my son, like put in a headstone, brew a beer, read him stories, give blood, March for Babies, etc...  but I can never do things WITH my son.  I want to do things with my children, to raise them, to shape them, to help them become good, loving people.  I want to accept them for who they are, I want to pick them up when they scrape their knee or when they become heartbroken.  I want to be the person they look up to.  I want to be there for a long time when they grow older.  I want to hold my wifes hand on a Mothers Day far off in the future as we are surrounded by our children and grandchildren and know that Marcellus shaped this family for what it is.  I just want that chance.