Some things on my mind

My head feels like it has been pulled in a million directions lately.  So many new things are happening it is hard to comprehend them all and do the things necessary to get them done.  For instance, I have my skills evaluation to be a CNA in a week and a half.  Back in November I was confident that I could pass these skills since I was doing so well in the class. Now however I am nervous as hell because what if I crumble under anxiety because I have not done them since.  I am practicing them and studying but I lack the confidence needed to complete them efficiently and correctly (I have only 30 minutes).  IF I pass I can become a CNA and change jobs which will be a good thing for me.  I am terribly miserable at my job now, I feel so out of place and unnoticed.  I walk around invisible being forced to interact constantly with customers who have no idea I am a father to a beautiful boy.  No one talks to me there, no one cares for me.  I just want to scream and run out the door everyday I am there. 

And Sunday is Fathers Day, a day which I am not looking forward to.  I am trying not to dwell on the day in general but it still finds its way into my thoughts constantly.  Marcellus will never get me a Fathers Day card, someday my hopeful future children will but he can never do that for me.  It all boils down to he will never be able to hug me and tell me "happy Fathers Day daddy!" In a voice I have no idea what would sound like.  Fathers Day will be hard, I may write more on it separately.

I also am much more fragile emotionally than I once thought.  The past few days I have been absorbed in my best friend from college's wedding that I have lost track of my own grief.  I am the best man in this wedding to reciprocate for him being the best man in mine.  He lives across the country and I have not seen him since... last summer I believe.  I have not seen him since we had Marcellus.  I am so worried he will not accept me as a grieving parent and grieving friend.  That I have changed too much for his liking.  I hope he can accept me for what I am now and I can put my emotions aside and embrace his wedding as a joyful, happy time. 

All this boils down into the avocado incident and my emotions.  There have been isolated incidents where my wife or I have lashed out on anything close to vent the anger that boils inside us at any given moment.  Traveling home from dropping my wife off at school I merged left onto a highway and in front of a truck speeding in the left lane, this truck then had to slow down as I occupied their space to speed ahead of the traffic group.  I moved to the right lane as soon as possible but not soon enough for this group of guys because they made sure to tailgate me and give me the bird.  An event that makes anyone upset on the road but it made me sad.  I felt terrible that these group of random people were so infuriated at me that they would do such a thing.. do they not know that I am fragile emotionally?  Do they not care?  So when I did arrive home I was hungry and I thought my avocado was ripe enough to eat.  Well when I cut into it I could tell it was not, faced with the possibility of wasting the avocado or trying to continue to make my sandwich I decided on the latter.  But the pit was not cooperating with me and it was really difficult to get out.  I then left that for later and grabbed the other half and tried to cut my slices out but they too were too difficult.  My misjudgement led to anger and I took my knife and sent pieces of avocado flying all over the kitchen as I brutally hacked it in an angry rage.  I immediately felt remorseful for my actions, and for wasting a perfectly good avocado.  I just cannot control my anger sometimes and have to release it, had not those gentlemen not flicked me off, or my son not die in November that avocado may have been just put in the fridge for later.  I am terribly busy and I have to set my grief aside some days, but it will be there when I least expect to show me that it will wait for me, no matter what.

This Morning

I slept in late, but then got up and started my morning routine.  He soon crept into my thoughts as he always does in the morning.  I am glad to think of him so often.  I have a faint smile when I think of him sometimes, but most of the mornings I carry a heavy heart.  I try to quell that heart with coffee and the computer.  Distractions do wonders when you are in grief.  I decided this morning that after breakfast and a few really good songs that I would get up and start picking up the living areas.  I noticed my steps are heavy as I move about, picking up random memories of his life and death strewn about like seeds waiting to trigger a reaction in my heart.  The house is starting to look a little better as I organize and clean up.  But it will never look good, my baby is not watching me intently as I pick up and watch him while mommy grabs a few extra hours of sleep.  My heart is heavy because he is trying to hang on to me as I work, I carry my son with me always and forever will.

The Grind

Entering the grind we become numb.  Work, clean, chores, computer, sleep, eat, work.  An endless list of things to tack on our day yet they all become a monumental challenge.  We are struggling now to fit our own lives into this daily grind, how do we adept to a life without our son?  I do not know, I can only try.  Where does our son fit into this life, we planned to focus our busy lives around his growing life.  Now that our life is filled with nothing but time and his life is no more, we are left with the wreckage of our new life.  It has taken months to get to where we are and I feel like we are no further along than we were months ago.  I have not added anything new besides a headstone for my son in my life.  The only accomplishment is a piece of blue slate with my wifes handwritten message etched in it.  Hardly an accomplishment which I ever wanted to live to see.  I am no further in my life, no further with our family, only farther away from my son as every day passes.  I am alone in this life, floating along in this grind, trying to find a safe place to plant my feet.  I fear there is no safe place anymore.