In tradition of his angel birthdays my wife and I embraced each other at the time of his death. It seems that is the time that looms over us no matter what we are doing on the anniversaries. It probably will continue too. I was so focused on his death the last few months. The first month I was focused on making sure to actually breathe. But after that I have been focused on why he died and how in the hell it actually happened to us. I know now that it happens. It just happens. This is not repayment for some dastardly deed in my past, it is not a lesson I am meant to learn. Marcellus just died.
But how could I accept this? That God just let Marcellus die because he was not worthy of some divine intervention. Why was he not worthy? Does God have the power of foresight and see that his life would not have warranted such a save by him? Why was his cast into the pile like all the other angel babies we know? Was not God listening to our prayers and pleads on that day to save him, to let us have more time with him. To let him live the life we meant for him to live? Why was he not saved? Surely God cannot show unfathomable love to all of us yet only save some of us. If he feels as much love for everyone on the planet equally then why did he let this happen? Maybe he was powerless, maybe he could not change the fact that Marcellus suffered from a 'chain of events' that made his body an unworthy inhabitant of his soul. I can understand that, I was powerless too. I stood there looking down at the bloated body of my precious son and wanted so badly to fix him, to do something to reverse his impending death. I stood over him pleading God to change our place, that I would rot in a nursing home for years if he would just save my son. God just give me a chance to raise him. Did God not save my son because I was not worthy enough to be his father? That may be the case, but how do you explain my wife, his mother. I dare no man, no angel, no deity to see the love my wife poured into my son and then decree that she is not worthy to be with him. Marcellus was worth saving, he was worth a life like any other boy you see running on the playground with skinned knees. His life was worth much more than the 12 days he was given. It just must have happened.
If that is what it is then I have to go forth and live for him. Marcellus deserves a father who will take care of his family. Of his mother, his big furry brother, his future little siblings. A good and decent father. A wise and kind father. A father who will make so many good decisions and a few mistakes. A father who will not put his job before his family, put his pleasures in front of his duties. Hopefully I can live like the father Marcellus deserves.
I started today by repaying the debt Marcellus owes. 3 months ago he got 3 and a half times more blood than his body had. For his 3 month angel birthday I donated blood. I donated blood last time 10 years ago in high school. I vowed never to give blood again when I almost fainted that time. Today when I gave blood I again almost fainted. But I will be back in 3 months. I might almost faint again, I will find out. I want to continue giving blood on his angel birthdays every 3 months for him. Maybe my blood will go to a NICU baby fighting for his life like Marcellus did. Maybe my blood could help save that babies life so their parents one day can take that baby home like we should have. I can only hope.
Marcellus I love and miss you so terribly much. You left me this day 3 months ago. While I can never understand why, I understand you did not want to leave, you had to.
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