I have not felt like writing in the past few days. I have had bad days for sure. Moments of sadness and despair mixed in with the ever present longing for my son. I often stand wondering how I can continue on like this. I know it gets 'better' but when. I see my wife and she has a hard time every day, I see her and wonder how long we will last going through this. How long can people keep up heavy grief?
Do I have a reference point though? Is my grief today, more than 3 months out comparable to the grief 2 months ago or even a month ago? I do not think so. If I took myself two months ago and compared it to today I would be shocked how far I can come in grief. Ever so slowly I join the masses in their daily drudgery. I wonder if I will ever become like them, or I will forever be a changed man. Will I be concerned about what house I live in, what car I drive, how many numbers my bank account has in it, that the barista at starbucks got my skinny no cream hazelnut bullshit correct or not. No, those do not mean anything. I am going to be concerned about my children, about my wife, about my animals, concerned that they are happy, healthy, and have a meal for tomorrow.
Losing a child makes you reflect on your own childhood and how your child will never be able to do the things that you did. Marcellus was going to be my boy who I relived my childhood through. I was going to teach him all the necessary father things but also be right down there assembling legos and other cool project with him. I love playing, I love imagining, creating a world outside my own, a perfect escape. Having a mind like my own meant that Marcellus and I would be creating such lavish adventures together. With his mind and my talents and experience, we were going to do great things. Now I create an imaginary world where he is alive. I fantasize about him being here, about playing with him, about raising him. Sometimes it is so real I smile until I snap out of it and I see that he is not here, he is gone.
Even though I will never get to 'play' with Marcellus he will show me the way in playing with my other children. I want to be the daddy who is down there having fun with his kids after work. My dad just sat on the couch and watched the news as I turned the carpet into a battlefield. I want to be the evil dictator my sons valiantly destroy with their lego crusaders. Losing Marcellus has helped me see that is the father I want to be. Because I wanted to do all those things with him. It sucks that I had to pay that much to learn so little about myself. Hopefully my other children thank Marcellus silently for this gift to them.
I needed this, I needed to read a blog about Valentines Day yesterday about how this holiday sucked and why. It is about love, and the love we have for our family. I cannot give Marcellus a valentines treat, I just can miss him over Valentines day. But really, everyday is Valentines Day for Marcellus, because everyday I say I love him so much!
I miss my son very much. I miss what was, what could have been, and who he would be. But I need to remember what Marcellus is. He is my first born son, my light of my life. First of hopefully many. I love you baby boy!
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