His permeating memory

I am sitting here waiting an hour before I go to work. I am watching a Hoarders, have the dog sleeping on me, and I am drinking my coffee.  I did not sleep well last night, I kept having dreams which kept waking me up.  I do not think they were nightmares but they are just part of the long sets of dreams I have been having that are unpleasant.  I do not know what triggers these dreams, they are of nothing specific which I can remember but I know that they are upsetting.  I do wish I could dream of just him, to relive some of the good memories I have of my sweet boy.

And I do have memories of him, wonderful memories of when he was alive.  My grief is so inward and consuming that it is selfish. Sometimes I am not sad that he is gone, I am sad for myself, I am throwing myself a pity party.  I see pictures of him all over, we drug out his stuff last Wednesday night to remind ourselves that he was with us and we did get to hold him.  We got his Molly Bear and we can feel his weight on our chests like we did in the NICU.  I need to be sad for that, I need to miss that.  I do not want to sit here and say 'woe is me,' I want to miss my son and be sad that he is gone.  I want to be sad because at one point in my life I was so very happy with him. My Dad told me that over time the bad memories of your life fade but the good ones still stay vivid.  Right now the bad memories of his death are so overpowering they overshadow the amazing moments we had with him.  I want to look back and smile at seeing his big dark eyes searching around for us.  I want to remember his yawns, hiccups, and twitches.  I want to remember holding his little butt and feet tucked in while laying on my chest, his tiny breaths pushing warm air near where his head lay.  I want to remember what it was like to see him nestled in with my wife, as they both look so happy an content with their lives that nothing, not even the constant noise and bustle of the NICU bothered them.   I need these memories to sustain me in my life.  I cannot make it without them.

Marcellus, you will always be my good memories for the rest of my life.  When I am sitting, staring off into the nothing and everyone thinks I am spacing out I am really not.  I am remembering fondly you.  My mind is never absent, you are always there, willing to accompany me through anything.  I miss you little buddy, so much. You can visit my dreams anytime.  I love you baby boy!