Busy week

My tiny little bundle of joy.  I was at work last night after a busy week of studying and working.  Probably the busiest week I had since his death that did not involve flying back for his funeral, planning funeral, crying, making poster boards, visiting families, crying, etc.  The last non-grieving busy week I was suppose to have was the week he was born.  He came on a Friday night and I had 3 tests and CNA the week following.   I ended up skipping all 3 tests.  The first time in my 6 years of college education (no I am not a doctor) of ever skipping a test because of an excuse, legitimate or otherwise.  That was suppose to be my busy week and it turned out to be very busy for a very different reason.  Busy because of Marcellus, because my son just decided "hey now is a great time, here I am!"  Silly son, he is so silly.  But this last week was my new busy week, I only had one test but it felt like 3.  I had to work on top of it and I really had no time to think about him or myself. 

So last night when I was working and wrapping my head around what had happened this last week I began to wonder if I was entitled to grief.  I really wanted to call out, to not show up for work.  A manager told me a while ago that if I ever need to not show up I can just call, its ok.  I felt entitled to if I need to.  I never felt like 'well I am not sick, how can I call out?'  I always told myself that if it gets bad or if I cannot go, I wont.  Me being there is not as important as my mental and emotional well being.  Last night I did not feel like that was the case, I really felt like staying home, that I needed to rest and recuperate after my busy week. But I did not, I felt obligated to go to work.  That I owed them for being there, that they were important.  Work ended not being bad, but I could have benefited staying home I think.

I need to learn to stay home on days like that.  When I am wiped out,  I need to stay home for him, I need to stay home for myself.  I miss him.  I love him.