The demanding disability of grief

Mourning and grief, interchangeable to some, vastly different to others.  Mourning the loss of a loved one takes time, it takes effort, it can be intense at times, but it passes.  Grief is constant, grief is a part of you, grief identifies you as much as your hair color.  In some instances stating that you are a grieving parent is as much applicable as stating that you have a food allergy in a restaurant.  Grief is a disability.  A disability which no manual is written, sure books are but every ones grief is so different and unique to their personality.  There is no manual written for my personality, so therefore no one can tell me how my grief should go.

Like any disability you have to take grief in account when you plan everything, your meals, your day, and your life.  Grief is a terrible thing to live with, at first it commands your life.  It demands all your time and thoughts.  Grief also can branch out to anyone in the presences of someone grieving and cause them to have grief as well.  Like its ally misery, it thrives on company.  It is hard to be around people grieving, it exhausts you, conflicts you emotionally.  Even when you are grieving yourself, being put in a situation surrounded by others grief is draining.  But grief can be managed.  Some can manage it by hiding it, tucking it away for a rainy day.  Some manage it by running away from it by drinking, drugs, destructive behaviors.  Others choose to accept it and live through it.  Taking the risk of letting grief overwhelm you, to bind you down, never letting go.   Those who choose to go through their grief are the ones who visibly hurt when you look at their faces, their happiness has departed as they travel that scary, long road.  But they are the ones who get to the end of that road the quickest finding happiness and joy at the end.

It feels odd writing happiness and joy while talking about grief.  I do not feel happiness or joy and I feel like the long road of grief is still stretched out far in front of me, disappearing into the horizon.  You can never let your guard down and give grief an advantage.  For instance, a couple nights ago we decided to stay up late and watch both Harry Potter and the Dealthy Hallows until 4 am.  What a silly, stupid thing that was.  I had to wake up at 11 and get ready for work in three hours.  I was miserable yesterday because of that.  I felt like at any second I would collapse into an emotional wreck, my muscles ached, and my mind felt like mush.  I missed Marcellus terribly yesterday, my grief wreaked havoc with my lack of sleep. Today I slept better and woke up earlier.  Taking the dog outside to go potty I opened the front door and sunlight blasted me in my face, it made me reel backwards a few steps but I pressed on.  I could not help remark how crisp the air was, how nice the sunshine felt on my face.  I knew I had the energy to take on my grief today and someone was going to help me.

My grief is me, my personality has been changed, it will change again I am for sure.  But now I got to put on my shoes and start walking down that long road.