Grief hangovers

Grief is exhausting and taxing on your mind, body, and spirit.  I have noticed that after a particularly heavy day of grief the next day is followed by a disconnected, mindless day.  I still grieve and spend part of my day thinking of Marcellus, but it is no where near the day prior.  I had a heavy grief day on Christmas and thus spent yesterday in a grief hangover.  We did not go to any cemeteries or walks to talk to Marcellus, we did not talk much of how we were feeling, we just kind of went through the motions, waiting for bed.  I did have my moments yesterday where I spent some time actively thinking of him.  One on my run where I fell and laid there for a second and felt like I could lay there for the rest of my life feeling sorry for myself.  But I got up and took it as a sign to slow down and think of him so I did.  Then during my shower, or thinking pod as it is called, I ended up getting pretty angry.  I can work myself up in the shower and scream at the walls, it is a good release for me.  I end up crying all the time afterwards but that is helpful too.  None of those events were like Christmas where the grief was so heavy all day. 

His videos and pictures hurt more to view now.  When I think about him I do not ask 'why is he gone?' so much anymore, I long for him.  A heavy yearning that when I know I cannot have him I plunge into sadness.  He looks so healthy and we are so happy in the pictures and videos, why cannot mommy and I have that?  Why must we live in this way, searching for meaning, some shred of importance of to why we were here.  I was prepared to give my life for my son, to be completely selfless for him.  I will be able to do that with more earnest with his little brothers and sisters when they arrive but until then I cannot pour selflessness into memories of him.  There is only so much you can do with a memory, I am not strong enough yet to direct it towards other people.  It is still Marcellus's selflessness that I have.  The dog takes some, and I give a lot to my wife.  I just long for my son, I long to be a daddy.  I long to have him here, to wake up to him in the night and tend to him, to carry him around the house.  To come home from work and have the dog come to the door and see my wife holding him and hear her say with excitement "daddy's home!"  I will never have that with him. 

For weeks it did not seem real, his death was tragic and sudden which sent us into shock and numbness.  We knew we watch a baby die, that we cried over it, that we held it and buried it.  But a part of our brains said, close your eyes really tight and when you open them you will be back in the NICU.  Obviously that never worked but for the longest time I felt like that.  Now no matter how hard I close my eyes, how much I stomp my feet or scream in the shower he will never be here.  He will be forever out of reach, fading away into the distance as we grasp for bits and pieces of him to cling onto.  My wife wants to hold him, one more time.  I just want to touch him, to tell him as he looks up with those dark eyes of his and tell him that "Daddy loves you Marcellus, Daddy loves you more than he ever loved anything in his entire life.  Daddy will do anything for you." 

I wish I could see him again, just for an instant. I love you Marcellus!