A month ago today my son passed away. It was foggy the morning Marcellus died. But as we were being driven home it was bright and sunny. Beth, who was there when Marcellus died for us remarked how angry at the sun she was for being so bright. I could not remember it being bright, I cant remember the drive home at all. Now I am feeling very sad, the sort of sadness that you just stare blankly into space and it is hard to think about anything.
They say eventually you will have good days, and then you will have more good days than bad days in turn eventually. I feel like having a good day would not be fair to Marcellus right now. Marcellus deserves my sadness and despair. By being sad as I can I feel like I am still doing something for him. I am feeling for him, I cannot feel the joy and love I felt when I saw him alive so I must feel different, opposite emotions now.
This pain is the worst pain I can imagine. No one should have to deal with this, ever.
Marcellus, I love you so much, I miss you terribly every second of the day. You are the reason for my existence. I love you baby.
daddy
Who knew that babies died? Who knew such pain was possible - and that one must learn to live with it? I guess the emptiness and despair we feel reminds us we are alive...even in the moments we don't want to be.
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