Visions of the future born from the past

One thing I have not read about grief is how you will view your future.  I am a very adapt to be able to fantasize.  I spent most of my elementary and high school education day dreaming.  I still day dream a lot to this day.  My day dreams now focus around my son.  He would have been 2 months old today.  Yet his adjusted age still would have not come into play.  He would be two months old today but smaller than he would have been when he was born.  It is an odd concept to wrap your head around.  He would not progress like any other newborn since he was born so early, we would have to subtract 11 weeks from his age to find his developmental age. 

All of this is irrelevant now since he is dead.  There is no adjusted age, no developmental age, no growth charts, no milestones, no first crawl, first effort to stand up, first words, first walk, etc.... Now we just have the what if's, what if he was alive for Christmas, it would have been his first.  What if he was alive for Mothers Day, Fathers Day, it would have been our firsts.  Since I have been robbed of these milestones and his subsequent growth my mind has taken to fabricating him to a degree.

Oh dear he is going crazy, time to call the men with the white jackets.  Poor Morgan, to have a dead baby and a committed husband...  No, I am not going crazy, I am not pretending that I have a baby in my arms or any of that sort.  I am day dreaming when I am sad of what he would look like and what he would act like.  But honestly I day dream what he would be like when he would be 4 or 5 years old, not what he would be like as a plump pink baby crying for mommy to feed him.  I am sure I would do that if he was still alive.  I imagine him crying because he cannot get a cookie before dinner, or him running around the coffee table chasing the dog.  Or most of all I dream of me saying good night to him and hugging him and telling him that I love him so much every night.  I will never get to do that for him.  That is the hardest day dream.  To be able to tell him I love him to his face in my mind but not in real life.  I love my son, everyday.  Everything I do in my life I do through my son.  Every thought I have filters through his memory, I have now begun to live my life for him.  But no matter what I will never have the opportunity to say "I love you Marcellus" and see his smile grow wider on his face.  I just want to tell him I love him one more time. 

I love my son, I will keep day dreaming of him to keep his memory alive in my mind.