4 Months Today

It seems like an eternity, Marcellus being gone this long.  We often ask each other how in hell we are able to survive nonetheless function through this?  We read a lot of stories of other parents who lost children and babies and we think to ourselves 'how could anyone survive that?'  Then we have to take a step back and remember that WE are surviving that now, that our lives are tragic and unchanging, that other people hear about Marcellus and ask themselves how we manage to get through every day. 

The getting through part of everyday is not hard, its the getting through part with our sanity that is the kicker.  Everyday I wake up I think about him, then I think about him gone, then I just say 'you know what, I am going to give up on today.'  But I then realize that doing this will not help my grief in any way so I decide to suck it up and do something 'productive' and 'worthwhile.'  I do schoolwork, I go to work, I take care of the dog, I cook, I clean, and I make sure my family has what it needs to function.  But believe me, the only thing I really want to do all day is sit on the damn couch, eat pizza and drink beer, and watch cartoons all day. Living a normal existence after losing Marcellus is hard, it is damn hard.  If my six months ago self looked at me now and how much I get done in a day he would be disgusted.  He would think that I am some lazy ass bum.  And he would have some choice words as well.  But I know why I cannot get everything done that I want, because what I want I can never do.  I want to be busier than ever taking care of a small baby!  I want to be running errands late at night, I want to be changing diapers and endlessly doing piles and piles of laundry.  I do not want to wake up with the option of beer, pizza, and Futurama OR being productive.  I should not have another option besides being busier than hell!

Our new normal lives have taken a toll on us, and we decided to take a little trip out into the mountains to promote clarity and relaxation. We are staying at a bed and breakfast, it has a jacuzzi tub and, until last night I did not realize this, FREE BREAKFAST!  I was laying in bed thinking, wow this is a really nice bed, I now know where the bed part of bed and breakfast come in, but why do they include the word breakfast in their title?  It took me two seconds later to realize we do get yummy breakfast with our stay and I am super excited.

Today we planned on going hiking and screaming if we wanted to, well we decided to save that hike till tomorrow.  Someone phoned ahead and we get a picnic basket with our hike tomorrow!  Today we are going to just explore the town, get a massage, and just do what we want.  It is his 4 month angel birthday today, I cannot stop thinking about him.  Four months ago he died, leaving me a broken shell of a man.  I crumbled at the site of his mother holding him while he took his last tired breaths.  My heart exploded out of my chest and I let the world see my despair.  How could he die?  How can any baby die?  It is such a sick and tragic even to take the life of such a small, innocent being.  Marcellus had no chance in his life, he had only 12 days to receive as much love and caring as we could dole out to him and we did.  We loved him immensely, we still do.  Everyday we love him more and more because everyday we are finding out what his death means to us and more importantly that before he died he LIVED.  I am not just a baby loss daddy, I am a DADDY!  I changed his diaper, I held him, I experienced the absolute complete joy of him being born and the doctor telling us its a boy!  "Its a boy, its a boy, we have a boy!" My wife exclaimed through clouds of sedation, I was stunned as I looked at her elated face, she went through so much to get here and she did it the way only the best mother in the world could do, I am so proud of both my wife and my son!

I love my family, it is not perfect but no family is.  I love it because it is my family, even though Marcellus died 4 months ago today, he made it our family.  He will forever be the firstborn child, my reason for being productive in life.  My reason for loving my wife so unconditionally and my family so patiently.   I love you Marcellus!  I miss you so terribly much!