I am sitting here, drinking the beer I brewed for Marcellus to share with people when they came over to visit him.  It is a gorgeous day and I just got brewing for the first time since he was born.  I had  the recipe all weighted out ready to go before he was born but then all that fell to the wayside after he was born. 

Brewing today was a mix of emotions for me.   I feel guilty for actually doing something I enjoy, something I feel is selfish.  On the other hand I know I cannot let his death dictate my life.  If he would have lived I would have found time to brew, sure it would not be that often but my wife would have given me a morning to do it...maybe.  But now I can brew how ever much I want to.  In fact I could brew again tomorrow if I wanted to, after work.  And I could brew as much as I wanted for however long until we deliver again.  And that really sucks.  I do not like all this free time, all the countless hours on netflix, being able to cook nice meals, taking the dog out for long runs, brewing beer.  I want to be busy, to be eating food thrown together in a haste.  I want to wake up to a crying baby, to be too tired to brew or even to drink. 

Marcellus told me it was ok to take time for myself.  While brewing a bunch of hawks flew overhead and landed in the trees.  They talked to me, one even squeaked like he did.  I feel it was him telling me that I can do some of these things I love, as long as I do them with him.  And I did, he was here with me the whole time, he never left my mind.  It was kind of nice to be with him like that, my brewing buddy!  So I named the beer after him, Black Hawk Ale.  Hopefully it is good, the beer I brewed for him is really good.  I like having something I created for him around.  I will be sad to see the last one go. 

I miss him terribly, I have so much to write about, I could go on forever!  But I think I will just take in some fresh are and calm sky, and watch the hawks circle overhead.  I love you Marcellus!