My dog just put his paw on my hand and looked up at me like he was saying "its ok Dad, I am here for you." Sometimes our comfort through this comes in unsuspecting ways. When Marcellus died I had envisions that our families and close friends would come together and unify in some giant support ring to get us through this. Why not? Not one of them had to deal with something like this, the death of a nephew, grandchild, godchild, and close friend's baby should have been so tragic to rock them out of their core comfort zones and reach their hand out to us.
Sadly we did not receive that support, and we know why. We are no deserving of such support, even though Marcellus's death is indeed tragic, we cannot sit back and expect that adequate comfort will come rushing to us from family that is ill equipped with the skills to deliver. Marcellus's life, and death changed my core thinking and beliefs. His life story did not change my parents, brothers, friends, etc. Their life beliefs still hold true to their own roots. Do not get me wrong, we have their support, just not in the way I expected. They are not sending us messages saying they are thinking of him constantly. Sure they are thinking of me but I am their child, they never got to physically see Marcellus, their only grandchild. My brother got to see him, but only after he passed. It shocked him, and I could tell seeing a dead preemie baby was way out of his comfort zone of chocolate milk, IPA, and airplanes. But then again, watching Marcellus die was WAY out of my own comfort zone as his parent.
Our own friends have been there in their own way, some have been absolutely instrumental in our grieving process and in our efforts to honor his life. Others just do not have the skills and resources available personally to be there. Our friendships have not crossed that boundary and even as tragic as this is, we cannot form new boundaries on the spot, they take time.
I used the words tragic and tragedy because we like to feel that tragedy elicits change in our life. But it does not, how many times after a tragedy do we continue on as normal. But tragedy does elicit change when it hits too close to home or you have no personal experience with tragedy until now. For example, Marcellus's death rocked my wife and I to our core being, changing us forever. However we were changed as parents when he was born so our life was on a new path anyhow. But Marcellus's life and death have changed our relationship with other key players in our recovery. The dog is sympathetic, only because I do not feel that dogs can show empathy that I will take his sympathy. He is patient, loving, calming, and just there when we need to snuggle with some one or something. My brother-in-law is instrumental in our grieving, he latched onto Marcellus even after he died and has been a source of uncomplicated support to my wife and I. He is 11, he knows what to say, he says the basics. "I love you, and I miss him." We need to hear that from all of our family, but only he knows how to deliver that so simply you wish the others would follow his lead.
Really this all should be unnecessary, babies should not die. Parents should not bury their child or children. This is so messed up and backwards that I have a hard time realizing the scope of it all. Sometimes I just view Marcellus as a child who died, and not my own child who lived. I am immersed so much in his passing that I do no think about his breathing, his little heartbeat, his eyes scanning around until they saw us. Morgan played the recording of his heart beat to me the other day and it sent me into a full on meltdown. I busted up my (already broken) laptop and sobbed uncontrollably in a darkened bathroom. Why? Because I forgotten the fact that at one point his little heart, probably the size of a large nut, was beating at 140 bpm, and more importantly his heart was beating because my son was alive, not only dead.
Grief is inherently selfish, I grieve because I lost my son, I lost all those things I was looking so forward to. I need to remind myself to grieve for him too, grieve for his LIFE not only his death. Grieve for the shitty card that he drew in life, grieve for the chances he never got, grieve for the pain he felt as he got sick. Grieve for the fact that as his father I could not protect him. Grieve for the fact that he is my firstborn. I miss him, I will concentrate on grieving for him and not just me today.
Marcellus I LOVE you!
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