I was laying in bed and thinking about my family last night. How each member of my immediate family has some sort of pain inflicting them. My wife and I of course have the debilitating acute pain of Marcellus leaving us, My brother and his wife just lost their first child to a missed miscarriage, and my Mom just had major surgery and will be recovering for six weeks. I think about all of them a lot and their pain while not trying to put mine of the pedestal. Sure I would take major surgery for the rest of my life to keep Marcellus around, and we can empathize with my brother and sister in law a little bit on loss and grief, I just do not know if they understand the complete magnitude of pain we have suffered. In fact, most days I cannot believe it myself. I sit wondering a lot how I even managed to survive such an event. I understand now why my brain put me in shock for a month, if it had not I would have lost it. Watching Marcellus die was literally more pain than one body can handle at one given time. His departure meant that every aspect of our lives are going to be tinged with this knowledge, this underlying factor that he left us and we are grieving parents. Any pain we hear about from here on in we will unknowingly compare to our pain and therefore our reaction will be based on that.
My pain has been different lately, in the last week or so it has manifested itself quietly inside me. I carry my pain now as a tumor, a silent rogue ready to spread at a moments notice. I go to group but I feel less like talking, I cry a lot less now. Maybe I am just taking a break or maybe my body is resting me for the coming months when some people say it gets worse. Ick, get worse? How can this get worse, how can I stand to look at his mommy fall apart and my heart absolutely break for her. How can I look at other babies and other pregnant people and not want to throw things at them. How long can I keep this pain inside myself and not let it affect me negatively.
The short answer of course is "get it out," let the pain flow out of you through constructive and healthy ways. Be more mindful of it. But its so tiring, the pain is so draining that I want to do other things with my life than just sit and be in pain! Let me be numb for a while so I can rest my body and accomplish some other things in life and have a reason for all this damn pain! I will come back to it, this pain is cyclical. My family will experience even more pain and that will open these wounds like a scab being ripped off. I am not done, far from it.
But through all this pain, numbness, and grief I have seen some sheds of hope. Sheds that our live together and as a family will become a new whole. Marcellus left, died, croaked, kicked the bucket, cashed in his chips, passed on, passed away, went to be with the lord, etc. Those are all euphemisms for him dying but not leaving. Our new whole will be with him as it should have been 4 months ago. He is the only family member not feeling pain, he is helping us through ours and will continue to do so for the future as an integral part of this family, he is still with us.
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