3 Month Birthday

Have you ever thought why we section off the first months of a babies life in birthdays?  Yesterday was Marcellus's 3 month birthday.  Most people will celebrate their babies 3 month birthday with at a least a little celebration that is meaningless to a baby.  These birthday's are for the parents, a little self recognition of being able to keep their baby alive for 3 months and hopes for 3 months more. 

We celebrated Marcellus's 3 month birthday with a lady I only knew because she was a last ditch effort to keep our son here on this earth.  Patty a chaplain at the hospital we stayed at knew Healing Touch.  Marcellus's Grandma also knows healing touch and suggested it.  During that terrible day we would have tried anything.  Obviously Healing Touch was not the miracle I secretly hoped for as I watched my babies body start to bloat and bleed.  What we learned was that Marcellus was trying to stay with us, he wanted to be with his Mommy and Daddy as much as we so desperately wanted him to be with us.  His body was just failing, his body could not hold his soul anymore.  We were helpless, we had no way of fixing him.  No way of creating a safe haven for his soul to stay. 

I often how I let him get sick. We just expect babies to be born healthy and here to stay.  Those monthly birthdays are just reminders that we are capable human beings performing the simple act of procreation.  It is not that simple, there is so much that goes into keeping your baby here.  The reminders must be necessary because it is hard work keeping babies alive, and the monthly birthdays serve as recognition of parents hard work.  I will keep 'celebrating' Marcellus's monthly birthdays, especially for the first year.  His mommy and I have hard work ahead of us too, but we have one more monthly birthday than most parents to recognize.  That is of course Marcellus's angel birthday 11 days from now.  I get to go about this next week and a half until the 9th knowing this is how short Marcellus was with me, in my trusting care.  I let him get sick, I do not now how I did and know that I could not do anything to change the course of what happened but I still feel like I let him down.  I so desperately wanted to celebrate these monthly birthdays with him here in our arms. 

I miss you so much little buddy.  Last night I sat in my car screaming because I could not possibly comprehend that I am here doing this, why are we doing this?  Why do we have to do this without you?  This all feels so unnatural, so beyond wrong.  The fabric of my life has been torn to shreds.  I wish you were here so very badly.  If there was ever anything I could do to reverse this, to change our fortune I would.  I just want the chance to raise you.  I love you so much Marcellus, I will always love you with everything I have until the end of my days!