Others

There is us, my wife and I, and others.  I feel so isolated, I do not know my life before he was born, that seems so far away.  Being back in school reminds me of it a little.  How much work I put into school while working, CNA class, taking care of a dog and pregnant wife boggles me.  I still have a lot of work to do now, but it is not the same.  You would have taken up all of my time, and you still do.  There are times where I cannot do anything else but sit and be worthless.  I am not as productive at work, school I care less about.  I do not wish to take CNA class again, to add another level of stress on my life.  I will just take the test. 

Tomorrow is your due date, I was so busy yesterday with work and school I did not get a chance to really grieve over you.  I did not cry yesterday, I feel like such a bad person.  The night before I cried a lot as my emotions just boiled over.  It was rather sudden and all consuming the night before, like a teapot working itself up to a whistle.  Once the water got hot enough inside it all hell broke loose.  That is how I felt.  I was cruising along the whole day ok until bedtime when I just started to get really disconnected and I needed to go upstairs and talk to my son.  I grabbed his picture and started to cry and then had a fit of anger which included a lot of yelling, sobbing, and throwing of plastic buckets in empty bathtubs.  I am not better, I am not ok.  I am in grief.  I felt better after having a breakdown, sometimes mommies and daddies need to breakdown like that. 

These are all tangents to what is really bothering me.  What is bothering me is today.  I have to get off this couch in 15 minutes and put my work clothes on and go take care of shoppers.  I have to walk around and parlay to their needs.  I have to put Marcellus on my 'shelf' until I can come back to him.  It is Saturday morning and all the happy families are going to be out.  I am going to see all the unhappy fathers who have to spend their precious weekend day in a store surrounded by the babies they never get to see since they work so much during the week.  I am going to sit there and envy every single one of them.  I am going to think of how big you would be. I am going to think of in a parallel universe mommy would be sending me pictures of you to keep me going.  She still sends me messages but she cannot send a picture of you doing something cute because you are dead.  I wonder if I will make it today.  Some days nothing seems important, just my family. 

Tomorrow is Marcellus's due date.  We highly doubt he would have gone to term but it still is another date in his life.  What it really means to me is that he has been dead for 2 months and he was not even suppose to be born yet based on a little flip wheel.  DEAD FOR TWO FUCKING MONTHS!  You have to be shitting me, this is so not real.  This is so messed up.  This is so not fair.  This sucks so goddamned bad!  I hate this so much. 

Marcellus,

I do not mean to swear.  I have been trying not to swear to be a better person for you.  To try to live his life like I would have if you were here with him safe in my arms.  But I just needs to sometimes.  I have a lot of anger over your death which releases itself slowly.  I just miss you so damned much.  I am so afraid of today, that I cannot do it some days.  Your due date is tomorrow, why are you dead?  Why are you dead for so damned long that there are new people at group, people who have had their children die AFTER you did.  You are suppose to be so brand new, so young, so innocent.  You are suppose to be the wonderful announcement of facebook and the subject of so many heartfelt congratulations!  You are not suppose to exist in this blog, this blog is not suppose to be here!  I am not suppose to know Colin, Cooper, Hazel, Miracle, Ashlynn, Zachary, Samuel, Wyatt, and anyone else I missed.  I am not suppose to know any of them!  I am suppose to know you all chubby, smiling, and crying.  It hurts so much to think about what I could know, what another life would have in store for me.  The life that we planned out with you.  My heart pours out for you, just bleeding all over, this wound cannot be patched, it has to heal on its own.  Oh baby I hurt so bad for you, I miss you so very much.  I need you so bad.  This sucks this sucks this absolutely FUCKING sucks!  I love you so much, no swearing in heaven!  I love you baby boy, I love you son.  You are my everything!  I love you so very very much!