Part of the club

My professor put up a pdf of pictures of his first child.  A beautiful girl at 7 lbs.  He looks so tired yet so happy to have her.  They are an older couple in their mid thirties just starting their family.  Her due date was a day before Marcellus's.  Marcellus of course came long before Emily did but I thought on some levels they were going to be the same.  I do not know my professor personally but I bonded to him because we both had pregnancies going on at the same time.  And our names are mike, we have to stick together.  When Marcellus came early I thought to myself 'wow, I am going to be a father so much longer than him, I will be the teacher and he can learn from me!'  Sadly that was not the case.  He is part of this international club called fathers with children on this earth.  I subscribe to the Grieving Fathers group on facebook.  I know how hard it is to see your baby take its last breath.  The unholy pain that follows after, the sickening feeling in your stomach as you close the lid on the casket knowing you will never see the thing you desire most in your life again.  I am glad that my professor hopefully will never know those feelings.  Hell he does not even know I lost my son.  I just have not found it relevant to email him and say "hey dr. mike I looked at your pictures, they are awesome, congrats on your healthy baby, being able to be outside with her, taking her home, losing sleep with her.  btw, I cried when I saw them because my baby died, have a good day." 
Its just another reminder of what could have been, what should be, what people take for granted is such a precious gift.  I want to be a part of that club so bad, I want to be the father here on earth daddy.  I want to take pics of my baby with the dog, I want to send out birth announcements, I want to field calls asking hows the wife and baby.  I want to go to the grocery store late at night to get ointments.  I want to go to babywearing groups and learn new exciting ways to strap your baby to your chest.  I want to spend long nights at home just staring at my baby.  I want the dishes to pile up, laundry to back up, I want to not care about that as long as our baby is smiling and pooping.  I want those things so badly but I want them with Marcellus.  Until I want them for the next baby I have to bid my time, wait my turn to join the other club.  Its too bad I cannot get my membership revoked to the club I belong to now.