The meeting came and went, I went to work, my wife went to do research. We sat down with the doctor not knowing what to expect. We were called in by his nurse after Morgan had a phone consultation from another doctor in the practice. We were wondering if he found something out about our delivery or Marcellus that they missed before, the magical piece that would tie this all together. That is what we were hoping for, kinda.
Before the meeting his death remained a mystery, the blood clot caused the NEC which in turn killed him. But what caused the blood clot? The neonatologist said a 'cascade of events triggered the blood clot.' What cascade of events? Physical events, biological events? We were not grabbing him and flipping him around the room like a bunch of circus performers, we do not know what those cascade of events could ever be. What about the premature birth, sure 50% of premature birth is undefined. It just happens. No it just does not happen, SOMETHING happens, but we do not know yet. We do not know medical science well enough to explain half of premature birth, why babies get NEC, or why he got blood clots.
Going into the meeting I was hoping for "this is why you went into labor, which was a cause of his blood clots, and this is how you stop it for next time." That would have answered all my 'how' questions in one fell swoop. Of course not the 'why' questions that I ask every day. On the other side we could have found out that my wife delivered early because of a condition that would present itself in every pregnancy hereafter and our babies lives would always be in jeopardy like Marcellus. That would have been the answers I would not want to find out. What we really found out is Marcellus was born early because 50% of preterm labor just happens, it is unexplained. We know what we are doing for next time, weekly progesterone shots which will reduce the chance of preterm labor by 70% in her. We will also have weekly cervical ultrasounds to check the cervix length to see if she has a degree of cervical inefficiency. This is the plan of the Maternal Fetal specialist at the largest hospital in Raleigh. The same hospital that Marcellus delivered at, stayed, and unfortunately died in. This is not the plan of some family doctor who has no idea about birth, we talked with the Dr. who knew more about preterm labor than anyone in this city probably. I have confidence in him. Not an arrogant confidence that we will never deliver prematurely again but a confidence that it MIGHT not happen again. Before the meeting I was sure we would be plagued forever by NICU's, preemie clothes, and breathing machines. A big fear of mine now. But I need to keep it in my mind that it could happen again, or we could lose our baby even before its born. Speaking of our baby he said we could have one 18-24 months after Marcellus was born. That would mean trying for one the second half of this year.
I want a baby, do not get me wrong. I want a baby so bad it eclipses any want I ever had, the Nintendo, going to a certain college, turning 21, the wedding, all pale in comparison to wanting a baby. I want a child with my wife, I want us to be a family....on this earth. But I do not want a child before we are ready. I need to grieve for Marcellus, I need to think about him as my ever being and not as my past. I do not want to be secretly hoping that our future baby is actually Marcellus and we would get the chance to raise him we so desperately yearn for every day. It would be unfair to both Marcellus and our new child to try too soon. We just know what we are to do when we are ready.
I am still a father, I do not need a baby on this earth to show me that. I just want the opportunity to teach a little child the way I feel a father should teach their child not the other way around. Marcellus taught me so much that I will never be able to thank him enough for that, I just wanted to opportunity to teach him.
I miss him so much, I love him so deeply I cannot express. He is forever my firstborn son, he resembles what is all good and wonderful in this world for me. I will always be able to smile thinking of my wonderful son Marcellus. I miss you buddy, more than anyone could ever miss someone on this earth.
No comments:
Post a Comment