Support for when you are drowning.

It has been a bit since I have written in here.  I am sure after a while blogging becomes a little redundant.  But really I have not had much to say.  I have been going through this past week with appointments and school and now work for the next two days.  The appointments were with counselors, a couple we met, Patty, and Parent Care.

I have a hard time talking to my friends and family about this.  I feel like when I get to the phone or see them in person I have to be concerned about them, I have to direct my conversation towards them.  But really I should not have to I just do.  It is hard for me to open up to them because I do not want to burden them with my emotions.   I know that is not logical, that our friendships and families operate on a give and take relationship and that my baby is dead, I have a right to open up to them.  I just cannot shake how I feel when I talk to them, it just is how it goes.  I am sorry to them who cannot feel more connected to me, I am sorry to my wife who has to shoulder a larger piece of my grief because of this and I am sorry for myself because I am not seeking the help I could use.

I do like to be surrounded by people who have done it before.  I can open up to them.  At Parent Care my heart just opens and my feelings spill out in front of strangers.  When we talk to Mike and Karen I can be honest and ashamed.  When the counselors ask the questions I can respond honestly and with a thought out answer.

I cannot open up to friends who want to listen, to coworkers who dont want to listen, and to family who seem so far away.  Mike offered to meet me anytime I wanted to talk, he is 20 years out of a similar situation that I am in.  He is a wonderful guy with a lot of insight but not too far from his grief that he only offers the "trust me, it will get better as you get older."  He still can tap into his grief from 20 years ago and offer similarities.  I am going to take him up on the offer.  I really feel that grief cannot be done alone, even though the actual grieving has to be done alone, you need a dedicated support team to keep your head above he water.

Grief is drowning, you are in the ocean kicking with all your might trying to fight the waves.  You quickly get exhausted.  Your only option then is to ask for help or slip under the waves never to return.  Some slip under the wave never to be seen again, others ask for help.  It is tough to do either, to slip under or accept the help of someone else.  I need help, I need to accept someones help before I slip under the waves.

My wife and I have been supporting each other, especially when we thought we were so alone in this world.  When Marcellus left he took a huge part of our hearts with him and we can never get those back.  So my wife and I spent a lot of time grieving together since only us knew each others pain.  To each other we both represented Marcellus, we were the ones with him the most.  When we held each other we held a piece of him, we held onto the memories we had of him.  Now that we have left the shock and numbness and we know he is gone forever my wife is my life partner.  She is the one I need to count on for the rest of my life.  She shares in our memories of him, but she is not a symbol of that.  Marcellus is now the symbol for me.  I need my wife differently now, I need her to hold me when I need it.  I feel so empty now, It feels like my soul  has a huge hole in it and my energy is spilling out.  My chest feels cold, a void, empty.  I have to begin now trying to live with the void.  To weave Marcellus into my soul and help me guide me through life with this void.  My wife is instrumental to my well being, she is the first person keeping me a float, but she cannot do it herself.

I need to bring Marcellus closer to my heart.  To weave him into the frayed fabric of my life.  The fabric that feels like it has spent its winter in the road covered in salt, sand, slush, and dirt.  Countless tires ran it over mangling it into an unrecognizable lump.  I somehow have to pick up this fabric and recreate it into a life, and Marcellus needs to help me with it.  Help me buddy, help me pick this life up off the road.