~He Lost A Baby Too~

~ He Lost A Baby Too ~

It must be very difficult
To be a man in grief,
Since "men don't cry" and "men are strong"
No tears can bring relief.

It must be very difficult
To stand up to the test
And field the calls and visitors
So she can get some rest.

They always ask if she's alright
And what she's going through.

But seldom take his hand and ask,
"My friend, but how are you?"

He hears her crying in the night
And thinks his heart will break.

He dries her tears and comforts her,
But "stays strong" for her sake.

It must be very difficult
To start each day anew
And try to be so very brave –
He lost his baby too.

My wife posted that poem on my Facebook wall yesterday.  It speaks very true to a grief of the father.  Everyone who approaches me to offer condolences or to see how I am doing asks sincerely about my wife.  I am glad they do, I want people to be concerned about her.  But a lot of times they ask me how she is without considering my feelings.  I have had people approach me at work and I am in pain and they ask me about her and I just want someone to talk to.  But there is always a time and a place with people.  I cannot break down in front of a coworker in the shavers aisle because they asked me really how I am doing.  I do not do that, I do not allow myself to do that even though there is always a time and place for grief.  Also it would put my coworkers and customers in a tough situation.  A situation people are uncomfortable with.  

People do not like to experience pain, it is one of our major self preservation techniques.  So to allow your heart to be hurt when someone is openly grieving is a tough thing to do.  The people who say things like 'I hurt for you' when they approach you are being brave, they are not sheltering their own emotions to protect themselves.  They are allowing themselves to be uncomfortable for your sake.  Misery loves company, it also helps alleviate it.  It is the people who say 'it will get better' or 'I am glad to see you back at it' who are the ones sheltering their pain, not allowing themselves to get near you.  They choose not to submit themselves to possible pain.  However even with the brave ones I put on a face for them.  I am private with my grief face face.  So I have to be comfortable to open my heart up because when I do it flows out heavy.  Grief rides my love for my son, I have a tidal wave of love that I hold back with a dam for the sake of others.  I do not feel right dumping that grief on people when I know it is too much for them.  So even when I know people really want to know how I am doing I tell them 'ok' or 'getting by.' and usually change the subject to them.  I do this to save them, I am not willing to unload on them.  

It has to be someone I am really comfortable with to break down the dam and have the rush of feelings come out.  When I do I cry here is no stopping it.  Nor would I want to.  This daddy cries for his son!  Tears are healing for me.  Crying gets out emotions I have bottled inside of me.  In the midst of a bad spell I can verbalize what is going on in my head and find out why I am really upset.   There is so much more at play in the minds of grieving parents when their child dies.  It is more than just us missing him.  We are crying over so many different emotions and reasons.  I have only let a couple people into my grief.  It mostly centers around people who are going through what I am.  I have let a couple people, my brother, my mother, and my best friend into my grief.  I feel bad for them, but I cannot stop it.  If they are willing to give up their right of self preservation and hold my hand and ask me how I am really doing then I will tell them.  

Grief is selfish which in turn makes you selfless.  Grief allows you to pity yourself rightly, it makes you feel bad for yourself.  To be able to say 'my life sucks.'  But in turn it open a whole new world of what to do afterwards.  Grief instills a need to be able to give, especially since I have all this love for a child who will never actively use it.  Most people say to have another child, and a lot of people do right away.  But sometimes you cannot right away, and even then it would be a year.  I have love to give that I wont waste behind a dam.  

 After the poem my wife posts the comment:

"Thank you for being by my side every step of this difficult journey. I could not do this without you. I love you very much and I love our son very much!"    

Even in her own personal hell she knows when I need a lift.  I cannot do this without her, I wish I could take this from her but since I cannot we have to do it together.  I love her, I love her because she is my wife and the mother to Marcellus.  For that I will forever be by her side.