Specialists

Ww have a meeting here soon with a Maternal Fetal Specialist.  Someone who is going to throw a bunch of words and conjectures at us about pregnancy.  Morgan and I were laying in bed last night really thinking of when we could/should try again.  Of course most people say "you are young, you have time for more kids."  Or "have another one sooner rather than later."  These people mean well but they miss the mark (I originally wrote 'full of shit' but decided to be gentle on them).  I do not feel like we are young, I feel like our lives are over, that we eclipsed every chance to have a child with this one opportunity.  Being a parent and then having that ripped away ripped our future from our lives.  I cannot remember what it was like before Marcellus and I cannot fathom having a 'normal' life after.  Any possibility of being a father to living children does not register with me.  Even though it is very possible.  Technically she has had 2 out of 2 pregnancies that were successful, we just do not know how/why Marcellus was born or died the way he did.  Technicalities may matter to other people but for me it feels like the largest failure in the world.

When people tell us to have another child they say that because they know we are young, healthy, and want a child so bad.  So they feel like they need to validate our wants and needs by encouraging us to have a child.  But maybe we are not ready, sure our bodies may be but what about our psyche.  We are not waiting until we can have a healthy child, we have to wait until we can have a sick or possibly another dead child.  I know that sounds morbid or gross but its a reality.  Any notions of normal, romantic pregnancies bearing 9 pound fat children are gone.  We are in a world where babies die, we need to prepare to lose another child before we can try.  Now we are not ready, that may change in 2 months, 6 months, or a year, we do not know.  But for the record, preparing for the possibility of losing a child is not an open invitation to test that preparation God, Allah, Satan, or whomever else is reading this.

For now I have to get ready for this meeting with the Dr.  I will update what he says about us and our future children.  Wish us the best of luck.