Sometimes I just need to sit and cry.

It is hard to be here, it is hard to sit on this couch with tears streaming down my face searching online for some solace with this.  I miss him, I miss my son so much it hurts.  It hurts through the entire core of my body.  I do not always want to post on here about insightful things when dealing with my grief.  Sometimes I want to sit and ramble on about what I am feeling now.  What I am feeling now is alone.  Lonely, completely alone.  No one is reaching out to me, rubbing my back and telling me it will be ok.  I do not need that.  I just need to sit on this couch, drink my tea, pull up sad songs on youtube and cry.  I miss Marcellus so much.  I cannot believe he is gone.  That he left.  How can I do this without him?  How can I do an entire year without my son.  To relive all the months coming that he was with us.  What am I going to do when October 28th comes around?  Or November 9th?  What will I do when these dates come when he is gone.  I just need him here.  I just want him here.  I just need him so bad my heart hurts so much.  I hate having to try to remember his face.  I hate having to try to remember that he is my son.  I hate having to remind myself that I am a father.  I hate seeing all the successful parents out there unhappy with their kids.  I want to tell them that I am so jealous of anyone with children.  I hurt so bad right now.  Its just full on waves of pain rippling through my body and soul.  I do not know why he had to leave me.  I do not know why he had to go be with God and leave me without my son.  I wanted to be his father so bad.  I wanted to be the dorky dad wearing the baby carrier taking him into the mens restroom to change his diaper on the koala changing station that no other father ever uses.   I wanted to be the dad at the babywearing meetups.  I wanted to be the dad with his baby so damned proud to have him here.  To be able to hug, hold, and kiss him.  I will never be able to kiss him again.  He is dead, he is gone.  I miss him so terribly much. I love you.